Why is grief so painful?

Death is crap. There I said it.  Death feels like your heart has been ripped out and acid been poured all over it.  The emotional pain of loss is raw and bloody.  It feels unfair and uncertain.  I ask myself when will the pain end and then wonder if it ever will.  People stare, avoid me, or say things that don’t help.  They mean well, I know, but it feels like nothing will make things better. Nothing can bring back the one I lost.   The death of my sister-in-law was quick and unexpected.  I got a call from her saying she was unwell and hours later my brother called with the news of her death. What do you say to little children who ask where Mum is?  I’ve had many ‘deaths’ in my life and if you have spent pretty much any time living on this planet then you would have as well.  You understand.

Death can be a physical death, or an emotional death such as the end of a relationship where the one we love is still living.  How do you keep breathing when grief can feel like a weight across your chest?  I have found that the initial brain fog around grief can be a blessing, at least in the short term.  Not being able to fully comprehend or believe the truth of the loss seems to be my brain’s way of saying ‘I will dull down your feelings right now because the cold, hard truth of the loss is too brutal for you to accept’.  Thanks brain, I appreciate the effort.  But I know I can’t stay in the fog forever.  Rituals need to be organised and legal issues are demanding to be answered.  Maybe being organised can stem the tide of feelings that threaten to overwhelm me. I have found with each occasion of grief, whether a friend moving interstate that I will still have contact with or the physical death of a loved one I recognise and build on my resources and learn what may help me. It’s sort of like a toolbox I can go to. ‘Tools’ I’ve found helpful are friends who don’t try to fix things with words but sit with me in the shitty silence and pass me what I may need, whether tissues or their hand. They offer me their strength by being strong enough to sit with me without platitudes and what feels like empty reassurance. 

As a person of faith, in my darkest moments I connect with those words that seem to understand and name the depth of my grief. Psalm 34:8 reminds me that ‘the Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit’.  When I am feeling vulnerable, I am comforted by the God who understands and validates my grief.  Isaiah 42:3 says, ‘a bruised reed he will not break’ meaning that when I am bruised, broken and vulnerable, God will offer me grace.  This open invitation pour out my pain helps me to process my grief.  I’ve also found bereavement counsellors to be helpful as they can help to sort through my jumbled tangle of feelings and find some ways forward that are meaningful to me. There are many therapeutic stages of grief which can help to explain the grief process. Worden talks about grief having 4 tasks; the first is to accept the reality of the loss, secondly to experience the pain of grief to process it and move forward in the grief process.  This brings us to the task of adjusting and adapting to the new life without our loved one, and to find a way to integrate your loved one into the new chapter of your life, that what you have learnt may be a source of strength and courage. 

Whatever the reason for your feelings of grief, or wherever you find yourself in the grief process, remember to be kind to yourself.  Grief is a normal and healthy response to loss!  Normal responses are anger, sadness, despair, or fear of the future. I’m sure you can add to this list. I know it is tempting to jump ahead and deny any feelings without the hard work of the earlier stages. While this may seem to have worked in the short term, many are just putting a cover over the grief, usually with the ‘help’ of alcohol, drugs and keeping so busy there is no time to think. Who are your support people? If you can’t identify anyone a great first step is to contact a therapist to support you in living a healthy life.  Moving forward is not a betrayal to your loved one, it is a sign of strength that your suffering has meaning and purpose for yourself, and others who can benefit from your hard won insight.  Hang in there.