Five languages of love
It’s likely that you’ve heard about the consistent New York Times bestselling book ‘The Five Love Languages’ by Dr Gary Chapman. In another of Dr Chapman’s books, ‘Life lessons and Love languages’, he reveals this concept was created early in his couples counselling career. When a partner complained ‘you don’t love me’ Dr Chapman was interested to explore the grievance or protest behind this complaint. After reading through years of his counselling notes, he noticed five themes emerging; thus, the Five Love Languages were born. They are, Acts of Service, Quality Time, Gifts, Physical Touch and Words of Affirmation.
Dr Chapman wrote his first book in 1992 in the hope it might help a few people. He didn’t anticipate that to date his Five Love Languages book would sell over 13 million copies in English and be translated to over 50 languages. You’d think with so many book sales and this much insight, that surely relationships have improved out of sight, right? That people now have a deep understanding of each other across all types of relationships including couples, parents and children, siblings, professional interactions, etc. The reality seems to that while millions have been helped, our journey toward understanding ourselves and each other isn’t over yet. The next step is up to us. Learning more about ourselves, how we give and receive love can help to identify a pathway to deepen and nourish our relationship with ourselves, and potentially others.
I have introduced this concept to many clients, who have found this insight invaluable whether they were single or partnered. One young adult discovered that his primary love language is Gifts. He now understood why the thought and effort put into the gifts he gave others, and those he received was so important to him. Thankfully his immediate family appreciated and supported this insight, adding to the depth, quality and resilience of their relationships.
My husband Russell, when counselling a couple, introduced the concept of Quality Time which was clearly important to the wife. The husband’s primary love language was Acts of Service. The wife wanted out of the relationship unless things changed, and their relationship improved. The love languages model was explained, explored in detail, illustrated on a whiteboard, and demonstrated through role play. An assignment was given to spend 10 minutes every night talking about non-controversial things, and just talking about something of mutual interest - a few Quality Time exercises. Did the relationship improve? No. The husband felt if only he did a few more acts of service for his wife, then the relationship would improve. Regardless of other people’s views and choices, the model remains life changing in helping to understand and communicate what makes us feel most loved.
So what will we do with this information? The next step is up to us. Building healthy relationships requires our action. The love languages model can be transformative in assisting us to be attuned to what is going on around us, and where we might be misunderstanding each other. What is your primary love language? Click here to take the free quiz to learn your love language. Need further support? Melanie is available to support you in this journey of self-discovery.