Navigating singleness with hope, love and resilience.
Singleness – an opportunity or oppressive?
Do you have days when being single feels like a great opportunity, and other days (or sometimes on the same day!) singleness can bring a heaviness of heart that seems unbearable. The feelings and thoughts can swing so quickly, and you are left wondering how do I manage this roller-coaster?
5 things NOT to tell yourself, or others who are single
Why aren’t you married yet? you’re so pretty/handsome/great catch
You’re still single? What’s wrong with you?
You are so lucky to have no responsibility
I must be un-loveable
It must be fantastic to be married
There are life situations that can make being single especially hard. Loneliness can become intense, and social and cultural groups may honour partnered people more highly. We all want to belong. We may ask, where do we fit in? Deep questions around acceptance, belonging and worth can shake you to the core. The good news is that there is a way through this, and all your feelings are valid. A good first step is to acknowledge some context. Many people who are single view marriage as the ideal life situation. Picture a single person looking up a staircase at a happily married couple. Thoughts such as ‘my life would be wonderful/perfect if I could only be in their place’. The reality is that the single person is so focused on the happily married couple above them on the staircase, that they fail to see the staircase below them that has the dysfunctional and destructive relationship that is heading for divorce. Celebrated relationship expert, John Gottman, discovered four markers of relationship failure with 93 percent accuracy in predicting divorce. Check him out at www.gottman.com Gottman calls these markers 'The Four Horsemen’ . They are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. While all couples are likely to engage in these communication styles at some point, Gottman explains how to avoid letting them destroy your relationships. Getting to know yourself, and your relationship style can point you toward healthier relationships in all areas of your life.
The worst alternative for a single person is being in a dysfunctional or destructive relationship. Telling ourselves we will just break up if the relationship doesn’t work often underestimates the pain that is associated with this, for ourselves and others involved, including children.
The peer worth waiting for
A healthier alternative to focusing on the perfect married couple at the top of the stairs is to be a blessing in your own life. One of my favourite sayings is, if the grass looks greener on the other side, water your own grass. We can focus on seemingly unattainable goals, instead of what we can change. Are you lonely? Assess your areas of interest – there are countless social interest groups, both online and face to face, including spiritual and cultural groups. Libraries and universities are great places for expanding our knowledge and can suit any budget. Try www.futurelearn.com for some ideas. Feeling low and unmotivated? See your GP for an assessment and mental health check up. For people of faith, is there a spiritual mentor or faith community you can access? These groups can offer hope and love in affirming your worth and value, thus increasing your resilience to the unwanted aspects of your life. As you grow in your own life, you will naturally drift towards people that will be growing too. You may find like-minded friends, or maybe that special someone. Either way, singleness can become an opportunity to live your best life.